Recovering from Mormonism

By Karynna

Karynna is an amazing visual artist and the Webmistress of a wonderful erotic art and animation site, Pornotopia.com (if you haven't seen it, be sure to check it out).  In the guest part of Pornotopia are a number of "Discourses" in which she reflects on various issues of life and sexuality.  This piece is taken from among them, with her permission — it's a moving description of her journey from the Mormon faith of her childhood to a sexual spirituality of her own shaping and choosing (here is a link to the original on Pornotopia).

Part I: An Introduction

I was born into the heart of the Mormon religion and culture.  I come from polygamist stock and religious leadership — although most of that was removed from my immediate influence by a couple of generations.  My devout grandparents raised me for a good portion of my first 8 years and then I was off to live in Japan where my single father was to be stationed by military service for 5 years.

If you don't know anything about the religion and have only heard the rumors of cults and many wives, then let me tell you: the Mormon "brand" of worship is only another version of Christianity.  It is supported by their belief that Jesus Christ visited the Americas after his resurrection and left those people with scripture (The Book of Mormon), also.  And that Jesus Christ, himself, conferred the only true authority of Priesthood upon the Founder and Prophet, Joseph Smith.  No Orthodox Mormon has had more than one mate since the early 1900's.

The Mormons have embraced an outlook on eternity that demands the building of their temples so that they can be baptized and married, by proxy, for previous generations of family.  Salt Lake City is the World's Mecca of genealogical study and records.

These people revere natural and organic living — keeping their bodies healthy by strict abstinence from tobacco, alcohol and other chemicals.

They are an incredibly resourceful, organized, generous and strong people.  Wouldn't you guess such a thing from a history of murderous persecution and their fleeing to the Desert West as the first serious settlers of that region?  They were successful — building a "Zion" that was prosperous and an amazing testament of determination, skill and effort.

Their progressive and inventive attitudes give high regard to academic learning and aspirations for utopian society.  Utah was the first state in the Union to permit women's suffrage.  The Mormon culture was the birthplace of the television, the artificial heart and progressive theories on cold fusion.  Senator Orrin G.  Hatch (UT), is frequently a visibile leader in Republican Political representation.

Even though I have embraced different attitudes than the Mormon culture, I am grateful this is my background.  My heritage is a group of highly intelligent people devoted to high work ethics, integrity, benevolence and excellence.  Where can you go wrong those kinds of values?  (Except to be the leading target for scam artists?)

But, like all institutions, it does have its dark side.  Only because people are, just that, people.  The issues of flaw attend them as it does anyone else.  The inconsistencies of religious belief take their toll as does every other religion that I know of.  So, just as people are "converted" by legions of Mormon missionaries, people also fall from the "fold" or outright reject it.  I happen to be one of those vocal rebels who specifically requested a voluntary excommunication.

I couldn't buy the whole kit and kaboodle.  I mean, obviously, a good portion of the religion is like the many other theologies and philosophies I have studied, just down-right good sense — common sense, even.  But the details, the premises, the idiosyncrasies of the dogma — I just couldn't embrace.  A lot of this had to do with my exposure to many magnificent people with different thought systems, my perspective of male/female equality and my sexual experience.

I believe, there are conflicts in the "Latter-Day Saint" concepts of God, gender authority and sexual conduct, that are not healthy.  Mormons are told there is only one true authority and way to God.  Mormon Women are told that they are a help-mate, a complimentary equal with your husband.  And yet, when they take their oaths of marriage in the temple, they are told that their husband's authority is their link to God.  That they require their husband's priesthood to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.  He is permitted many wives in the afterlife, but she must be committed to one husband, only.

Mormons are expected to abstain from all sexual expression until they find "the One" to mate with for Eternity.  One is to be certain about these things or at least lie in the bed they make — not just for life, but ForEVER?  How is one to make such a final decision or keep all their sexual urgings (including masturbation) at bay until that "one and only" reveals themselves?  Many seem to do it, or at least they claim to.

How many truly succeed?  My grandparents were married as virgins at 20 years of age in 1939.  I believe they have been honorably faithful to one another for 64 years — to this date.  Awe and respect are deservedly theirs!

I wonder however, at the ratio of youth who attend the offices of their religious leadership to confess their sexual transgressions and receive restrictions of religious privilege and reputation for their deeds?  How many couples lose the honor of the "special temple" ceremony for their marriage, because they were unable to keep their desires inactive?  How many outright lie about their sins?

Did I reject the Mormon message because I couldn't cut the mustard?  Was I too contrary and compulsive to keep the discipline?  Was this an expression of weakness or flaw in my character?  Did I permit the Devil to invade my life?  Perhaps, the faithful Mormon would suggest all of these things are true, but my personal experience and spiritual yearnings suggest a different answer is accurate.

Part 2: Struggles with Sexuality

I did not begin my recovery until I was 26 years old.  Before that I was devoted to the religion, dotted with occasional lapses due to a lack of parental support.  My devout paternal grandparents were my heaviest influence, while my single divorced father was exploring his own rebellions.  Being removed from my religious mentors by oceans and cultures, I was often the only Mormon girl in my schools.  It often took a two or three hour trip to attend a church meeting.  But, there was something about being unconventional that I thrived on; so I studied, prayed, practiced and became accepting of my isolation.

Yet, as I was transitioning through puberty and trying to make sense of my femininity and the world of boys, I had little assistance or instruction in the way of the woman.  I was handed books and pamphlets describing the medical details of my changes and I was permitted the asking of all questions on these things.  But, when it came to understanding the aspects of relationship and the fundamental differences of sexual approach between boys and girls, I was in total darkness.  I got the message loud and clear, that virginity until marriage was of the highest value.

So, when I found myself in moments of curiosity and exploration, through exposure to friends who wanted to play doctor, discovering my father's porno mags or peers debating about words like"wet dreams" and "masturbation," I was thoroughly frustrated with what to do about all this sexual energy.  I was ignorant, innocent and ridden with guilt over very minor infractions that I believed were humongous sins.  The shame took a great toll on my self-esteem, even tho I committed myself to a pure practice in my life.

I was mislead about the meaning of the word, "masturbation" — one word that my father wasn't able to apply a medical approach to.  So, even tho I didn't fully know what the word meant until my teen years, I remained masturbation-less until after my divorce with my first husband.  I was a virgin until the date rape of my first husband — leading to our eventual marriage.  I continued to date and then married the guy because I felt I had no other choice?  Who else would want my tarnished soul?

This is not the "fault" of Mormonism or a father who was ignorant about parenting a girl child.  Many factors contributed to my situation.  But, as I confronted my guilt and I had to decide who I really was spiritually, I had to inspect my motives, my demonstrations, and my worth against the accuracy of my upbringing and teaching.  My intimately personal view of myself could be the only true "judge" of who I had been and where I wanted to go.

So far, I had assumed a stance that God could only see me as blemished and undisciplined.  The Mormon brand of "works and grace" kept me bound by feelings that I could/would never be more than second rate to God; because, having sinned once and been forgiven was never as pure as never having sinned at all.  I found something very oppressive about this perspective.  Was it my own distorted perception or the one that was really perpetuated by the religion?  I don't know.  However, seeing that Jesus, himself granted Mary Magdalene freedom from a stoning and her past and then demonstrated his forgiveness through continued intimate association with her, I was set on a course of questioning.  Jesus, himself, granted peace to and drank water drawn from a woman who had been married several times and was now only "living" with a guy.

What did this really mean?  I had to come to terms.

Part 3: A New Spiritual Awakening

I decided there could be no one between me and God, if there was a God to connect with at all.  I decided that benevolent motivations matched with consistent demonstrations were the only measure of character.  I granted myself forgiveness and acceptance for being human and limited in my existence.  And I expected only that I see myself working to be a better person today than I was yesterday — counting my successes and mistakes only as information for refining my aim on a target of well-being.

I could see that I did not "know" if there was a God or what context an afterlife took.  I established that the overwhelming disparity on this topic suggested that no one "knew." Since, I was left only with an Object of Belief and the Force of Faith, I determined that my Spirituality would be defined as the Intentional Energetic Contribution I made to my present living.

Spirituality, to me, was no longer anyone's Ethical Dogma about God, but was everyone's Ethical Demonstration about Contribution.  This had to be based on what was given to each individual as their unique finite cause and what that individual's potential effect actually realized into a material manifestation.  I realized the accuracy of the phrase, "to those who are given much, also is much required of them." So, my standard for Spiritual Quality became how well anyone's force of intention constructed or destroyed effects of wellness within their circle of influence.

Given this new frame of reference, my filters of logic forced me to revise my concepts of male/female relationship and sexuality.  I embraced that experience and scientific skepticism were my only spiritual compasses.  That my opinion, would always be just that, My Opinion.

So, I set out to form an opinion that I could and would be willing to set my confidence in.  One that, I believe, aligns with the Constant Orders and Forces of Universe, as I best perceive and understand them--not surrendering, however, to the paradoxical conclusion that the Only Constant is Transition.  I observe and analyze the simplicities and complexities of Cosmic Development and Biological Evolution.  The Universe implies loudly that Diversity is Necessary to adapting Options for Survival -- that Similarity is Necessary to refining Preferences for Quality.

What the hell does this have to do with sex?

Questions of human sexual relationship, humanitarian uses of gender power and human sexual responsibility can not be assigned by an Invisible God or Symbolic Authority.  It must be chosen through Social Awareness and an Intelligence that is pro-active in its own well-being.  Just as we learn what works and doesn't work in our personal lives by evaluating patterns in our experience and history, we also can learn as a Collective Society these things.  The sooner we get "honest" about our historical and present experience, the sooner we can employ effective solutions to the ills of our world --including, Social and Individual Sexual Dysfunction.

I determined, Enlightened Choice can not come from a shroud of mystic tradition that is no more informed about current needs for healthy survival than Christian belief once was about the Earth being the center of the Universe.  Galileo's discovery of the telescope increased the resolution of human awareness to the facts of Earth's relationship to cosmic physics.  The ever increasing awareness of humanity, through Expanding Technologies and Shrinking Social Isolations, demand that we inspect our belief systems and dispose of what has continually proven to fail and uphold what has continually proven to succeed.

Yes, I realize our individual experience is relative and perceptual — there are many hazy shades of Gray surrounding us.  But, our collective experience is absolute and actual: what goes up and is in a context to come down, will come down — not sometimes, but Always.  This is a principle of order that can be relied on and manipulated — for better and for worse.  Also, I believe, what is nourishing and in a context to produce health and mastery, will produce health or mastery — not sometimes, but Always.  This too, can be relied on and used.

So far as I know, human's possess the most capable intellects and imaginations able of conceiving and understanding the differences between these Orders of absolutes and relatives.  Because of this, we are actually capable of Designing Choices that align with and use Universal Order to pro act an experience that we prefer for ourselves, rather than completely surrender to one imposed on us by an UnConscious Directive.

Part 4: Self-love, Monogamy and Polygamy

So, I asked myself, If Well-Being is my physical and spiritual aim and a healthy balance between my individuality and my collective influence is my measure of excellence, what does this imply about sexuality?

I can't believe the uniqueness that physical universe imbues upon each individual is a karmic curse OR blessing?  I reject this notion, thoroughly.  Logically, uniqueness is not an evaluation of personal worth any more than an exploding volcano wiping out Pompeii is.  Instead, individuality is the only specific outcome that could organize itself out of a specific range of options.

My Mom and Pop, cavorting in the backseat of their car under a broken street lamp that my father had pitched rocks at, came together at a time when conception was possible.  Their DNA was capable enough to organize their contributions into my viable lifetime, otherwise I would have spontaneously aborted.  External influences contributed to or distracted from the quality of my foundation and thus my potential expression.  At some point, I became aware of myself and that I had things about me that felt powerless and limited and other things about me that felt powerful and capable.

Some of the things that feel powerless to me are my gender identity and sexual identity.  Some of the things that feel powerful to me are my ability to choose who I will share my sexuality with.

The issues between what are compulsory and optional, natural and nurtured are an age old debate.  But this debate is not the same as the one that compares what is easy, spontaneous and instinctive vs. that which is difficult, intentional or disciplined.  Knowing who I am and what my potential might be is very different from being reactive and lazy or proactive and masterful with that knowledge.

I began to reason that my identity defines the color of my general potential, but my spirituality defines the harmony with which I specifically express myself.  As a female heterosexual, I am imbued with the opportunity of using my identity toward constructing or destroying well-being for myself, my mate and all those I influence.  I felt this was true for the male, the hermaphrodite, the bisexual and homosexual.

It is not about whether what we are is right or wrong.  I can't believe that the lump of quadriplegic man flesh sitting in a wheel chair who is Steven Hawking is Hideously Wrong any more than I can believe that the Queen of England is Divinely Right.

But, it does seem to be all about optimizing a harmonic excellence between individual and collective health or destroying it.  For me, masturbation, sexual fantasy and monogamy seem to nourish my sense of well-being.  For others, strict abstinence, bdsm fetish or polyamory seem to nourish theirs.  Where Sexuality is concerned, it seems to me, that what is necessary to a healthy sexual relationship is that the players are mature enough to mutually consent to the game they play.

I can't tell anyone what their food or poison is, any more than anyone can tell me what mine is.  But, it seems constructive for me to listen when I am told I am injuring or nourishing someone.  I will work to observe and discern the honesty and accuracy of such claims and from there, I can decide if I am able to construct harmonic solutions, if needed.

If I truly feel I am injuring someone or being injured and I can't arrive at a solution, this seems a signal to stop playing the game with that particular relationship.  But, it doesn't seem helpful to insist that I should destroy someone because we have a difference of opinion.

However, when I observe that societal well-being is also being injured by myself or someone else, then it seems the issue is no longer a matter of preference, but an issue of aligning with Universal principle.  These evaluations are the only way I can see to evolving humanitarian progress.

Are we essentially monogamous or polygamous as a species?  There is plenty of scientific evidence and controversy about that one.  Why can't it be that those who prefer one or another are allowed to align with others of their own kindness?  For me, I am possessive and I like relational focus.  I have children who need stability, consistency and exposure to both genders and their societal roles.  So, I "choose" monogamy.  That is what works for me in my reality.  Responsibility must be exercised in reality — the place where consequences are only escaped like winning the lottery.  But, in fantasy, the sky is the limit and all consequences are mute — so, that is where I will be free.

I teach my children that masturbation is healthy and that it should be used to maintain discipline around responsible sexual choices.  That responsibility is not calling a baby into one's life if they are not ready to care for it, not becoming a victim of disease, and not allowing a relationship to injure any of the players through forcefulness.  It is being aware of all risks and being able to respond in a healthy manner to all possible results.  I have boys, so I teach them that women want sex just as much as they do, but that women generally seek relational connection through their sexuality — so, if they are out just to have a good time and explore, they better make sure their partners understand and accept their agenda.  No deceptions allowed!

(originally published on Pornotopia.com)