Page 23: — Re-evaluation

The next few days were kind of depressing.  I went to work.  I spaced out a lot. 

I tried to masturbate a couple of times, but I couldn't recapture any of the deep feelings I'd had — the whole thing was flat and unsatisfying.  I felt like I'd gotten a wonderful present and lost it. 

I did find myself shifting things a bit — rearranging some mental furniture.  That was kind of satisfying, but also unnerving.  I wasn't sure I'd like living in the new space I was creating. 

Then I had lunch with Diana, a wild artist friend of mine, and somehow we got onto the subject of sex in a general way.  She kept throwing out ideas and asking me if I'd read this book or that book.  I hadn't.  That disturbed me, because I'm usually the one who recommends books to other people.  It's one of my defenses, reading books and knowing things. 

I realized that I'd never actually let myself consider sex, not analytically.  I'd been to college and graduate school, but the part of me that thought about sex never made it out of junior high.