Techniques of Touch

The single most useful piece of information about sexual technique is probably this: everyone likes to be touched differently.

Everyone likes to be touched differently

What works for one person often doesn't work for another.  What works for one person in one situation or at one point in time may not work for that same person in a different situation or at another point in time.  A kind of touch may start off being nice and then become disagreeable, or start off being uncomfortable and become exquisite.  The only hard-and-fast rule is: don't depend on any hard-and-fast rules — instead, ask, ask, ask, and pay attention to everything the other person is trying to tell you! 

Sounds difficult, right?  The good news is, lots of different kinds of touching work just fine.  But what works best?  The place to start your investigations of perfection is with yourself.  What feels best to you?  An excellent way to research this question is through masturbation. 

Even though most people do masturbate, a lot of us have a tendency to be pretty utilitarian and goal-oriented about it — have that orgasm, relieve the sexual tension, and forget it.  But masturbation is a great way to experiment with what feels good to you, and it's especially useful for realizing how hard a question "what feels best?" really is.  Your lover is not just going to know the answer automatically where you are concerned, so how on earth do you explain it to them, assuming you know the answer yourself? 

When you realize just how complicated your own tastes and preferences actually are, you also get a sense of how hard it might be to do just the right thing for somebody else.  You become much more concerned with communicating, both verbally and by reading the signs a partner gives as they become aroused.  And hopefully, realizing that this isn't easy or foolproof will help you collaborate with other people sexually without getting hung up in blame and disappointment when something doesn't work.

If the most important single prerequisite for being a good lover is being generous, the second is probably being a good listener, in all senses of the word, and the third is probably knowing how to get what you want, because that can give so much pleasure to the other person as well. 

The Absolute Basics

Here are a few fairly obvious general things to keep in mind about sexual touching (just be aware they're not hard-and-fast rules).

Women take longer than men on average to become physically aroused.  Many women like to be massaged and touched all over their bodies (especially back, neck and feet) for twenty minutes to an hour before being fondled in erogenous zones (breasts and pussy).  Guys — patience pays off here, not only in terms of your popularity, but also because you may find you really get into it. 

People feel quite differently about how their genitalia should be handled, so don't make any assumptions without asking.  Some people like rough stimulation right from the start, while others can't tolerate more than the gentlest stroking.  Most people like gentler touching at first that becomes a bit more intense as orgasm approaches. 

When touching genitalia, the use of water-based lubricant such as Astroglide or K-Y jelly can make things feel even nicer — definitely try it out if you haven't. 

The anal area is full of nerve endings, and can be quite erotic,  but touching in this area takes care and practice — it's sensitive, septic, and most people have a strong instinctive aversion to the smell of feces (shit).  If you feel drawn to anal play, it's worth doing a bit of research before you start, to help make it a pleasant, safe and successful part of your sexual repertory (check the manuals and other resources for more information).  The bare essentials are as follows: use lots of lube, wear latex gloves or wash your hands really carefully afterwards before touching genitals, and go very slowly at first. 

There are plenty of places with lots of nerve endings that can feel wonderful being touched in a sensuous way — noteworthy in this regard are the feet, neck and back, but also the scalp, temples, cheeks, shoulders, arms, legs, buttocks, hands, and — you get the picture.  If you get into giving pleasure this way, there are many good massage resources where you can get tips. 

The main thing is this, though — when you're experimenting with sexual things, be sure to go at your own pace.  If you're working with a partner, try to honor your partner's pace and do your best to match yours to it, but not at the expense of your own sense of safety and comfort.  Working together with another person can be hard, but that's part of the joy and frustration of real sexual intimacy. 

More Complex Touching Techniques

Almost everybody likes back stimulation, but people feel very differently about what feels good.  I know a woman who likes heavy pressure but can't stand the lightest touch of fingernails scratching.  I, on the other hand, love the sensation of brass Thai finger-extenders running gently over my back (like fingernails, but more pointy) — it's is so intense that it puts me in a trance.  When I've done it to people who also like it, I've noticed that their entire backs become red as if they were blushing. 

There are a variety of tantric techniques that can be quite effective.  The Body Electric School (highly recommended!) teaches one that it calls the "Big Draw" which is fairly easy to practice and can be amazingly successful at putting you in an altered state.  See the links and resources page for places to find out about such techniques.