Jealousy

Like desire and love, jealousy is one of our core sexual emotional experiences.  What I have to say about it is mostly personal. 

I know how it feels to toss and turn through the dark hours, trying to sleep when my partner is away spending the night with a new lover.  Unbidden, the thought floats up to the surface of my mind: "They're probably fucking right now," and my stomach clenches (even though the thought is kind of sexy, too).  I feel like I'm probably old hat, no longer interesting... but this is silly, I know better, if I'd said a word, my partner would have stayed home.  Nonetheless, scenarios of abandonment form themselves involuntarily in my imagination, and I find myself letting them become increasingly paranoid...

Jealousy is certainly painful, and it can be very destructive if not laid to rest, but it's a feeling to be respected and confronted, not avoided.  I far prefer to risk some occasional bad nights than to place unnecessary limits on my partner's life or on my own. 

You may feel very differently, but be aware that jealousy can arise in spite of whatever bounds you place on your own and your partner's actions.  Generally, it has more to do with the person who feels it than about the situation that ostensibly arouses it.  No matter what your agreements are, you may have to cope with jealousy. 

It's fashionable to regard jealousy as part of our biological programming, evolved to protect our reproductive opportunities.  This is probably accurate, but not in a mechanistic way and not at the level of our "reptile brain."  Jealousy is not, in my observation, an automatic, inevitable, low-level response — instead, it's a combination of insecurities that feed on one another.  That means jealousy is a kind of emotional pain over which you do have some control and for which you do have to take responsibility. 

Sex is an area where we all feel very vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy, of being unlovable, and of not being attractive enough.  When it comes to sex, we all feel insecure.  Add to this the vulnerability that a courtship infatuation or long-term pair bond creates (nothing hurts as badly as losing someone we love).  When you mix the natural insecurity we all feel around sex with the vulnerability that love creates — you have jealousy.  Jealousy is nothing more than a feedback cycle between insecurity and fear. 

What calms my jealous feelings is to reconnect with reality in a way that allays my fear of losing my pair bond.  When my partner comes home and I feel again how much love we share, I can tell that the new lover isn't threatening it.  At that point, it even makes me happy to hear the details of how nice the tryst turned out to be — my sleepless hours seem worth it to make possible such pleasure.  It's not the reality that I dislike or am afraid of, it's my fantasies of abandonment and inadequacy.  

This is why trust is so important in a relationship — it's all that protects you from the fears that can otherwise make any bond a nightmare.  Without it, intimacy becomes increasingly difficult and jealousy, when it arises, is completely intractable.  With trust, on the other hand, partners can work together to reassure each other that their fears are unfounded. 

No matter what your agreements are, if you want a strong relationship you need to build and maintain trust — to let yourself trust your partner, and to be scrupulous about being trustworthy yourself! 

A jealous reaction can actually be useful in bringing to the surface the insecurities of the person who experiences it.  I myself have no reason to be insecure about being desirable — my partner loves me and consistently shows every indication of finding me sexy, as do other lovers from time to time.  I project confidence and I appear confident to others, and even to myself.  But in my jealousy, I am forced to recognize that I'm not confident at all — I'm scared! 

I'm scared that I'm not lovable... it's silly. It's stupid. It's natural. 

Realizing that I'm scared helps me take better care of myself.  I can be nicer to myself, more protective and reassuring.  I can also ask a bit more of myself in situations where the fear comes up, knowing what it is.  Because I've accepted and honored that fear, I can also ask myself to go forward in the face of it — I have a better chance of not being controlled by it. 

Jealousy may not be the most pleasant side of sex, but it's just one of the forms that our fears happen to take.  Sex is scary because it's so very, very important to us, and in order to enjoy its beautiful transcendence, we do inevitably have to face those fears.