Stimulation

Sexual activities are all about stimulation, mental and physical.

Physical Stimulation

Physical stimulation is caused by touch.  There are thousands of ways of touching yourself and other people, even in a sexual context where things tend to focus on a few regions of the body.  As Diane Ackerman put it in Deep Play,

We've become voluptuaries of touch.  We feel our way through life from birth to death.  Touch is what gives us our grasp on life. But most of all, it allows us to rejoice in one another...

If you feel like learning sexual techniques, start by exploring how you can touch.  Let yourself go slowly enough to notice all the things that come naturally in terms of giving and receiving pleasure. See our touching page for some further thoughts.

But however divine physical stimulation is (and oh is it divine), it's by no means the only kind of stimulation that's important to our experience of sex. 

Mental stimulation

Jean Cocteau, the French writer, artist and director, is said to have been able to entertain people at a party by taking off his clothes, lying on his back in the middle of a crowded room, and thinking himself to orgasm without touching himself at all!  I wondered for a long time if this story could be true until I met someone who could do it too.  I'm just so impressed! 

As I've gotten older, though, I've discovered that it's not uncommon for people to reach orgasm purely through mental excitement, and I realize I've even done it myself, though never intentionally.  Samuel Pepys in the seventeenth century wrote quite proudly in his diary about coming to orgasm while being ferried up the Thames on a boat, simply by thinking about a girl he had seen, without any other stimulation. 

That it's possible to come to orgasm without any touch at all underlines how important it is to stimulate your mind as well as your body for best sexual results.  To a large degree, mind stimulation is something you have to do for yourself.  Fantasize a bit.  Turn yourself on.  You have both the right and the responsibility to make what you're doing really sexy for yourself, in your own head.

Fear and Excitement

One of the classic ways to stimulate yourself mentally is to consider doing something sexual that scares you just the right amount.  Your fear causes your body to release adrenalin, which is a powerful kick-starter of arousal.  Adrenalin is such an important component of being turned on that we use the terms excited and aroused synonymously. 

The adrenalin rush is a major motivator for people to explore new sexual territory — it can make facing and overcoming fears sexy.  Under the right circumstances, it can transform the very taboos that normally inhibit your desire into a turn-on.  That's why people "spice up" their sex lives by trying new "naughty" things.  Once the novelty wears off, though, such activities often lose their appeal, because what made them so exciting in the first place was the fear they inspired. 

At the same time, doing something you're scared of (maybe really scared of) is different from doing something you just plain don't want.  Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, which is why it's good to approach this kind of thing cautiously.  The arousal you feel around edgy sex can be very fragile, so be prepared to have your excitement suddenly evaporate into plain, garden-variety fear, and when that happens — stop!  Back off.  Only go forward when you want to. 

Going ahead when you don't want to is a kind of self-betrayal that's not only destructive to you, it's often bad for a relationship.  In order to make edgy sex work, you have to feel at a deep level that what you're doing is by your own choice and that you don't have to do it if it's not working for you.  It's a dance — be prepared to circle around scary things, advancing and retreating to keep yourself at that pitch of excitement that's fun and erotic. 

Collaborating on Mental Stimulation

Although you have primary responsibility for your own mind stimulation, it's sometimes fun to let your partner contribute by playing with your fantasies. For instance, my partner and I occasionally tell each other outrageous stories before or during love-making. Knowing each other well, we can usually turn the other person on wildly by building on their favorite fantasies.  It's surprisingly different for someone else to fantasize for you, just as their touching you feels different from touching yourself.

Maybe You Too Can Think Yourself to Orgasm

The magnificent Annie Sprinkle and others offer workshops for women to experiment with coming to orgasm primarily through breathing (see our breathing page for tips).  I've heard that Graham Masterton and others have offered similar workshops for men. 

You don't need a workshop to try it for yourself, though — you have a mind and can breathe, so if you're intrigued by the possibility, see what you can do on your own without paying anyone for permission or instruction.