Dating Advice

This is our personal advice column!

A lot of the information below was put together for hosting public sex rituals (which you may think of as wild orgies, but they generally aren't).  The advice turns out to work for other kinds of dating as well, when sexual activity is involved.

Let's begin with a few basic suggestions:

• Don't go out with someone you don't like.
• Don't have sex unless you actually feel like it.
• Figure out how much you like someone before you have sex with them, because after you've had sex with a person a few times, your ability to see them clearly may be seriously impaired by romantic feelings that have little to do with who they are.

These may sound obvious, but people disregard them all the time. Now let's consider some more complicated issues.

Plan ahead but decide in the moment

Let's assume you've gotten to know another person well enough that both of you are feeling like being sexual with each other.  Chances are, you don't know beforehand how that will look or how far it will end up going.  Even if you think you're sure it's not going to go very far, your mind could easily change in midstream.

So the safest thing is to plan each date as if you're going to be having extended, wild, happy sex.  That way, you can start thinking through all the implications beforehand, rather than after it's too late to back out.  You can be ready with all the safer-sex preparations, so you're not tempted to ignore them when the time comes.  You can make sure the logistics all make sense.

But don't make your mind up about anything beforehand — wait and see how you feel.  Make each and every decision in the moment.  Just because you're kissing doesn't mean you have to keep on kissing.  Just because you're making out doesn't mean you have to take off your clothes.  Just because you're naked in bed doesn't mean you can't stop, get dressed and go right back to square one, without jinxing a thing.  At each stage, at each moment, you should be making decisions based on how both of you are feeling, not on some picture you have in your head about how sex is supposed to look.  That way, both of you get to take advantage of your highly-developed intuitions, which are often the best guides you have in this area.

That does mean you usually have to talk about stuff in the moment, too.  Talking often seems so awkward, so likely to "break the mood."  Yes, but if you're able to be intimate enough with someone else to talk openly about what you feel and want, that makes for some of the best sex in the world.  It may take courage on both sides, but it's worth it.

Being prepared

So what can you do to prepare yourself for a potential sexual encounter?  I've divided the advice into three areas:

• Practicalities: All those simple little things you really don't want to forget, to make things go smoothly and keep yourself safe.
• Attitude: How to be a good lover! How to prepare your frame of mind so that you can be present, enjoy yourself and make it fun.
• Consciousness: Things to keep in mind so you understand what's going on with yourself and the other person.

I hope these ideas help. As always, if you feel I've missed things or gotten things wrong, please send email and set me straight!