Lone-sex, usually referred to as masturbation

Most people have their first orgasm by themselves, and that's great.  Sexual feelings are so intensely personal, scary and different from non-sexual ones that it's nice to explore and get used to them in private, before you try to combine them with the added vulnerabilities of friendship and love.

I remember quite clearly what it felt like (more than 40 years ago)  to discover orgasm for the first time, at the age of eleven or twelve.  I'd just taken a shower, and I had one of those pesky erections.  Up until then, having a hard-on had been mainly annoying — they felt kind of good, but also insistent in a way that was distracting, and they kept you from peeing until they subsided. 

I'd begun to discover, however, that it could feel really quite good to fondle my erect cock.  Surprisingly good.  Also, I'd begun to combine the fondling with daydreaming about heroic quests and great dangers and exciting stuff like that.  In this case, I took things further than before and began to rub my cock between my palms, as if it were a stick I was using to start a fire.  The excitement and reality of my fantasy grew, and it felt really wonderful.  I stopped paying attention to anything else and gave myself over to those wonderful sensations and the wild adventures I was vaguely imagining.  The feeling got better and better, beyond anything I'd ever felt before, until suddenly I completely lost control and spasmed wildly.  It was heaven!  Except almost immediately, it dissipated.  I found myself in the harsh bathroom light standing there with my softening cock between my palms, and this white sticky stuff all over my hands.  All the adventure had fled.  What had I done? 

I could tell that my arousal had completely taken me over, and in a frightening way had made me lose control of myself.  Suppose one of my parents had heard?  This was not something I'd chosen to do in any rational way, it had just come over me — suppose it came over me again, in public or something?  I remember feeling a tremedous fear and guilt that I might have done something really bad, I think partly because it was just so uncontrollable.  My parents hadn't ever said anything about sex or masturbation being bad, but they hadn't said much of anything about it at all.  I was pretty much on my own. 

This did not seem like a safe thing to have done!  Maybe, in fact, it was awful.  I cleaned myself off and resolved never to do it again. 

That resolution held for two days.  For the next year or so, I wrestled with the new flood of adolescent testosterone that was changing my body.  I remember at one point I was quite pleased that I actually managed to go almost a whole month without jerking off!  Then I jerked off once or twice a day for a week or so.  Finally, I realized that it was a waste of energy trying to fight my raw desire, and resigned myself to it, but not with any clear sense of how it was meant to fit into my life. 

In all the intervening years since that time, I've regularly jerked off by myself with great pleasure, in addition to enjoying wonderful sexual relationships with other people.  Gradually, I've come to understand a bit more about solitary sex, what it is and what its place can be in my sex life. 

Why call it lone-sex?

There are a lot of terms for stimulating yourself sexually when no one else is around — the list of colloquial euphemisms in every language is long and often delightful.  The clinical word most commonly used to describe this kind of activity in English is "masturbation," but it's an ambiguous term with several quite different meanings:

• Sex alone.  Most often, "masturbation" does refer to having sex by yourself, without anyone else present.
• Stimulating yourself.  The word can also mean that you are the one stimulating yourself, whether in someone else's presence or not.  In this sense, people can be said to "masturbate" in front of each other. 
• Using your hands.  Many people refer to any kind of hand job as masturbation — in this sense, if you stimulate someone else's genitals with your hands, you are "masturbating" them. 
• Fantasy sex.  The kind of sex in which you're primarily focused on an inner fantasy and relate to everything around you in terms of that fantasy is often described as "masturbatory sex."  In a similar vein, the British refer to any kind of outlandish idea or fantasy as "wanking" (i.e. having sex by yourself).

The root meaning of "masturbate" according to current etymology is simply "to arouse the penis," so it's not necessarily the best word to use to refer unambiguously to solitary sex.  Although "solitary sex" is a good phrase in itself, a shorter term would also be nice, which is why I've suggested using "lone-sex."  See the terms for physical activities and terms for mental activities pages for more information.

Is lone-sex worse than sex with a partner?

It's probably true that we evolved to find solitary sex less satisfying than sex with a partner.  Evolutionary biologists have made the point that lone-sex is so easy, accessible and safe that it would significantly undercut our interest in procreative sex if it were just as satisfying.  Humans and primates, by the way, are not the only animals who have lone-sex — many other species do it too, in all kinds of interesting and inventive ways. 

In my own experience, much as I love lone-sex, it really isn't as nice for me as having sex with a partner.  I remember first becoming acutely aware of the difference when I spent the summer apart from my first girlfriend.  At first, I fantasized about making love to her when I jerked off, but I found that it made me feel sad and disappointed afterwards — the arousal was great, and I could picture what we'd be doing together, imagine her sexy body and all that, but then after orgasm I would feel a great sense of loss, when the promise of mutuality was not fulfilled.  It worked better to fantasize about strangers or people I hardly knew. 

In cultures around the world and throughout history, lone-sex has tended to be regarded as second-best sex, probably for this kind of reason.  That's not to say, of course, that it doesn't feel really great — just that most people want mutual sex even more. 

Is there something wrong with lone-sex?

Many kids find the obsessive power of their adolescent sexuality pretty scary, and worry that they're doing something very wrong by bringing themselves to orgasm.  The simple answer is: no, there's nothing wrong with lone-sex.  Can you do it too much?  Not as long as you take simple precautions (like lube to keep from rubbing yourself raw) and enjoy what you're doing.  A friend of one of my sons reported that he'd wanted to find out how many times he could ejaculate in a day, and had made it to 25.  We all told him he was a national treasure! 

As described in our history of lone-sex page, people's sexual anxieties began to be exploited in the early 18th century, and that combined with growing sex phobia to make the medical profession regard lone-sex as a health problem during the 19th century.  As medicine gradually became based in better science, however, doctors discovered that far from having a negative impact on health, masturbation is actually good for you.  By the 1960s, people were beginning to celebrate lone-sex as the lovely activity it is, and that attitude has become increasingly common ever since. 

There are still plenty of people who find the whole subject embarrassing, frightening and disgusting (when they're not actually engaged in it).  Don't join them — lone-sex is an important part of your sexual experience that you can use all your life to explore new things and understand yourself better. 

Basic lone-sex techniques

Lone-sex is all about exploring and experimenting with your sexual body and mind, so feel free.  The basic idea is to think about things that turn you on while doing things to yourself that feel really good.  In many cases, that combination brings you to orgasm, but sometimes it just leads to long, lovely, sensuous, tantalizing interludes.

Note from the field: Use lube when you masturbate.  Most people find that a lubricant can often feel really good when you're stimulating yourself with your fingers.  Astroglide, K-Y Jelly, or other commercial water-based lubricants work well — they're easy to rinse off afterwards, and can be used in safer sex with a partner too (oil-based lubes break down latex and should never be used with condoms).  Of course, before water-based lubes and latex, people have enjoyed using natural alternatives like olive oil for thousands of years. 

On the simplest level, lone-sex often just means thinking about sex while stimulating your clit or cock with your hand.  A guy typically holds his cock in one hand and pumps using the motion that has become synonymous with male masturbation, but there are all kinds of other motions and techniques that are also effective (especially when lube is involved).  The classic counterpart for women involves using two fingers over the clitoris, rubbing in a circular pattern or up and down.  Again, though, there are so many variations and possibilities that the "classic" way is hardly important. 

Note from the field: Many women really enjoy masturbating with a vibrator.  See the sex toys page for more information. 

Some people can reach orgasm without touching themselves — they just think sexy thoughts until they're so turned on that they come — I think that's so wonderful!  Of course, touching yourself feels awfully good too...

Wild fantasies

Because masturbation is most people's main laboratory for sexual experimentation, just about everything you can possibly imagine and many things you'd never think of are being tried all the time.  These are often things it would be hard to get a partner interested in, and things it would be hard to tell a partner how to do, and things you're not sure you'd like but that seem potentially interesting, and things you're ashamed to admit you'd even think about. 

This is where people try sticking all kinds of things into their orifices, where guys try creating all kinds of orifices to stick their cocks into, and where everyone tries using all kinds of mechanical devices to stimulate themselves, from shower heads to heavy machinery.  Women, for example, have reported satisfactory effects from positioning themselves against a washing machine while it's running, and even from riding a motorcycle with the right kind of seat.  Of course, it all depends what you're thinking about at the time. 

Elementary precautions

When you're really turned on, caution sometimes takes a back seat while your excitement drives.  Unfortunately, people sometimes end up injuring or occasionally killing themselves during masturbatory experiments, so please use a modicum of common sense.  In general, move slowly into a new area, don't just dive in headfirst until you have some idea what hazards lurk beneath the surface. 

Here are a few things to avoid, and some thoughts about "enacting" fantasies.

Bondage hazards:  A lot of people like the idea of being helpless in sex (see the fantasy page for more discussion), so they find ways of tying themselves up when they masturbate.  In a similar vein, a lot of people like to tie up parts of themselves (such as breasts, cock, balls, etc.).  This is mostly just fine, but it's also easy to get in trouble if you don't pay attention. 

• Don't get trapped:  It's quite possible to tie yourself up so you can't get out.  Not only can this be highly embarrassing, it can also be quite dangerous, so use systems you can easily escape from (in a hurry if need be), and then imagine yourself completely trapped rather than actually being completely trapped. 
• Don't cut off your blood supply:  If you bind up your breasts, cock, balls, or any part of your body, be careful not to cut off the circulation for more than a minute or you can cause serious damage — if the part gets purple, it's running out of oxygen, so unbind it again. 
• Don't do anything that would restrict your breathing:  The best rule is never to wrap anything around your neck at all, because it's so dangerous (see below). 

Breath control:  A few people like to experiment with breath control (cutting off breathing for short periods) while having sex.  We mention it because this is the single most dangerous thing you can do, and accounts for the vast majority of sex-play-related deaths.  The general medical consensus seems to be that there just isn't any safe way to play at breath control — it's one of the very few things where the answer really seems to be, just don't do it, it's not worth the risk.  This is especially true since most people can experience much the same kinds of sensations that restricted breathing produces with much less danger simply by being upside down (say, by standing on their heads)  while masturbating. 

Repeat: there is no safe way of playing at breath control.  You risk brain damage and cardiac arrest whenever you do it.  Have fun in other ways. 

Electrical hazards:  There are a variety of "electro-stim" products on the market.  Most of the ones that people seem to enjoy sexually are quite expensive (several hundred dollars), and all come with full instructions on how to avoid problems.  Aside from such products, it's generally a good idea to avoid home-grown experiments, and especially anything involving house current.  After breath control, electrical accidents seem to be the main masturbatory hazard. 

Here are a few basic rules of thumb:

• No electro-stim above the waist:  It's not generally considered safe to apply electrical stimulation above the waist, because it can interfere with the signals that make your heart beat, and because even very low voltages can damage your brain.  Never never apply electrical current anywhere on the head! 
• No house current:  Don't play with house current (110 volts) — this should be obvious, but a few people die every year by not taking it seriously. 
• Be careful of electrical appliances and water:  This is not an electro-stim problem, but mistakes can be fatal.  People who don't know better, for example, might be tempted to take their plug-in vibrator into the bath tub with them, which can very easily lead to death.  Of course, the same goes for hair dryers and heaters — people die all the time when a plugged-in appliance of any kind falls into their bath water. 

Hygiene caution:  People tend to think of the genital area as "dirty," but in fact it isn't — the cavities in particular tend to be very clean, and therefore quite susceptible to infection.  Use common sense, then — for example, don't put anything in a genital cavity that you wouldn't want in contact with your food.  Wash things you're going to put into yourself very carefully.  You don't have to be phobic about this, but do keep it in mind.

Insertion problems:  The temptation to insert things into body cavities (anus, vagina, and even urethra) is widespread.  The main thing to keep in mind is not to insert anything that doesn't have a string or handle firmly attached to it so you can pull it out again.  Lots and lots of household objects have ended up caught in body cavities, usually involving a trip to the hospital emergancy room to get the object out again.  For this reason, butt plugs have a large flared end so they don't ever go entirely in.  Also, avoid inserting glass bottles, rods or light bulbs anywhere (although large glass dildos seem to be okay), because they've been known to break and cause serious damage.  Be aware that inserting anything into your urethra tends to be painful, and can easily cause an infection if the object isn't sterile. 

Fantasy management:  As a general rule, fantasies don't have to be enacted to be arousing.  Most people do realize this, but thinking about actually playing out a fantasy is often so exciting that they can easily lose track of where their arousal is coming from. 

There are many fantasies that may be really sexy to think about but that you really wouldn't enjoy acting out.  Common examples are castration fanatasies, which a surprising number of men find arousing, and rape fantasies, which a surprising number of (strong, feminist) women find arousing.  In practice, it's probably safe to say that no one ever actually experiences either castration or rape as remotely sexy, but the fear and loss of responsibility inherent in the ideas of castration and rape make them sexy to think about (see the fantasy page for more on this). 

One of the things masturbation can help you explore is what lies beneath your specific fantasies, what it is that make them so sexy to you.  This is often quite difficult, but to the extent you succeed, you often gain deeper access to your erotic self, which lets you turn yourself on more directly, without relying so much on adrenaline excitement to overcome fears. 

It's probably pretty obvious that any fantasy you have which involves harming yourself or someone else should not be acted out, and will probably get in the way of your having a good sex life.  This is a case where you really need to penetrate the fantasy, understand what's behind it, and find a better way to get at your arousal that's not destructive. 

There are other fantasies, such as common sado-masochistic fantasies, that you can sometimes find safe and consensual ways to play out with a partner.  It often happens that in the course of playing out such fantasies in ways that really work, people are able to get access to deep parts of themselves and begin to heal old wounds. 

The main thing is to keep engaging with your sexual fantasies.  Don't dismiss them on the one hand, or accept them uncritically on the other.  Keep looking for ways of turning yourself on that really work at a deep level, and try to understand how you can make sexual arousal safe for yourself.  Masturbation is a great way to do this work!